She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
