I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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