i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
