i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
