Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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