So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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