Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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