I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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