so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
