I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
