update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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