you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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