Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
