fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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