Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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