One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
