Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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