I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
