WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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