i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
