just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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