I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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