That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize