this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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