when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
