K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
