you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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