im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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