I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
third nipple confirmed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
