I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
