there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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