my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
