Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
