You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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