If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
