If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
