I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Randomize
