just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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