just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
