The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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