Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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