i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
