if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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