god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
