I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
