He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
