In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
