But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
