I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
