Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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