Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
