there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sext me about skeletons
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
