just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
