In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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