Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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