There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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