Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
